Soon she will be moving on & things will change...

I have been feeling a lot of ups & downs since Karla started her senior year at High School. Happiness, sadness, being very proud, being unable to let her go.

She is planning on going to college & wants to live on campus for 2 reasons: *wanting the full college experience & *to not have to share a room with her brother... which unfortunately they've had to share since their mother bought the townhouse & there are only 2 bedrooms. You cant blame her for both of these legimate reasons.

However, no one wants her to go. First she was going to travel a distance, but now she says she's not ready for that & just wants to go into town. So she'll be away , but not too far away. None of us wants her to go... her mother keeps telling her she's not allowed to leave. She got a brochure from a Colorado school and I told her the only way she was going there was to take me with her ! :)

I dont want her to leave either & it breaks my heart that things will change, like seeing her at my mum's house at lunchtime, but I dont want to stop her from doing what she wants, to stop her from living, or to make her afraid.

Its very difficult for me. I've tried so hard to learn to let go of her & Ants, but its hard. We were put in a position to basically all be moms to these kids. We helped take of them, feed them, teach them, hold them, tuck them into bed etc. There is a bond. But I have to remind myself I am not her mother as much as it may feel like it. So for me, its letting go in so many ways & its very heartbreaking. I dont want her to leave, but I dont want her to grow up being afraid of everything like we did. She needs to live her dreams & grow as a person. She is already turning into such a beautiful woman on the inside & out and I dont want to keep her back from going & enjoying her life in so many ways. Yes, there are a lot of dangers out there in the world.. but to shelter & protect someone from unseen dangers, can also hurt them more than anything else.

My Godchild is growing up so much.. its a joy to see her grow as well as sad to see the little girl in her disappear. But she deserves much happiness & joy in her life & she needs to experience it.

So all I can do right now is make sure this year we spend time together. I've already told her we need to make plans to get manicures together & have a girly day. I'll have to try to plan other things for us to do as well. She'll still be around when she goes off to school, but like anything else, things change, so before she's off being busy doing so many other wonderful things, i want us to share some special memories this year first.

Its so sad... I am sitting her with tears streaming down my face thinking of her going off on her own.. again.. happiness for her life will be a new beginning, but sadness at the change in our routine.

Love you so much Karla. You are more in my heart than my Niece, more than my Godchild.

Here is the huge thing on Karla - who'll still be around town.. Michael is off in Worcester, and we miss & worry about him too. And poor Nick is going away. Off to the Marines. Ands its not that Im not going to miss & worry over him, because I will, we all will. It still hurts to think he's going to be doing something so dangerous, something that you have to pray for his safety everyday of his life. And the feelings for him are not any less, but for some reason they are different. Does this make sense? I worry about him too so much. We keep trying to talk him out of going but he his not changing his mind at all. Maybe thats why 9/11 felt like it home more. Sometimes thing like this its easier to block some of it away to keep the hurt away.. and thinking of Nick & seeing his love of the Marines & the troops, makes you want to appreciate it more. Nick is teaching me to remember to not take things for granted. That men & woman put their lives in danger every day to serve & protect people they dont even know. He is someone to be very poud of. All the kids are, and we are proud of all of them & pray that their lives are all full of wealth - not just financial wealth, but also wonderful family, friends and so anything else to make their lives wonderful.

Guess because I lived with Karla & Ants - its just different. I still see them pretty much everyday, and even though I email the boys & still try to say hi to other kids now & then, I love them more than anything... but again with K&A its just different. Just dont want anyone to think I dont love the others because I do very much.

Anyways, this post is a book! Sappy J is signing off..........